here she comes . . .

So I watched the Miss USA pageant on Sunday night. I'm not proud of it. And, in my defense, I only started watching from the selection of the top 10. As each girl strolled down the runway in her evening gown, a previously taped video of the girl explaining her dress played in the lower left hand corner of the t.v. screen. They were all idiotic. "My dress is silver liquid bead and I feel like an absolute goddess in it." "My dress is red, sexy and flowy, just like me." "The way I picked my dress was I walked into the store and told them, 'I want to look like a mermaid,' and that is why my dress looks like a mermaid." That one was my favorite. She went on to win the competition by the way. After she stumbled in her dress on the runway AND in both of the opportunities she had to publicly speak. First, she was asked, "I heard you had to sell your car to get here?" To which she responded, "I wasn't going to let financial problems get in the way of me being here. THANK you," and then she frosted a fake smile across her face and did that "pageanty" pose, batting her eyelashes. The hosts were unsatisfied with her short response and prodded her some more. She ended up blurting out that she had to sell her car to get into the Miss Michigan pageant, but that she didn't have to sell her car to be here because of her director. THEN she gave a shout out to her director. A shout OUT. During the Miss USA pageant. Who does that? At some point during her babbling, she laughed something about buying American. I felt like I was getting stupider by the minute just listening to her. But, I couldn't change the channel. I couldn't help but wonder what ridiculous thing she was going to say next. I couldn't wait to be proven wrong about pageants, where a woman who was actually poised and intelligent would win and I would watch Miss Michigan lose.

I was waiting with baited breath for one of the girls, just ONE of them, to say something intelligent and articulate. Just ONE girl. Just ONE thing. I thought Ms. Oklahoma had it in the bag. She was presented an excellent question about the new immigration law passed in Arizona and whether she believed immigration issues should be left to the states or to the federal government. She started out so good noting that she is a firm believer in states' rights, but finishing with, "I'm against illegal immigration. But, I'm also against racial profiling. So I can see both sides of the issue." What?? That wasn't even responsive to the question asked. And, who isn't against racial profiling? I sighed. To her credit, however, she did not shout out to anyone, nor did she laugh and blurt out weird sentiments to the audience. She was at least composed. And, she didn't look like a mermaid.

Ms. Michigan's question regarded whether the birth control pill should be covered by health insurance. The only positive portion of her rambling answer was that she does believe it should be covered. We have that in common at least. She went on to explain, "I believe that birth control is just like every other medication, even though it's a controlled substance . . ." Wait. What? Isn't all medication covered under health insurance a controlled substance? I'm SO CONFUSED. Despite the fact that she should have stopped her answer at that point (hindsight is 20/20 vision), she continued along the inarticulate lines of (and I paraphrase): You can get the pill for free at your ob-gyn or local free clinic, but it needs to be covered by insurance because it's "costly". Again, WHAT? OMG MY HEAD HURTS. Is it free or is it costly?? I can't keep up. And, maybe it's just me personally, but I feel like the term 'ob-gyn' should never be used on national television in the Miss USA pageant unless the judge posing the question uses it first.

After she butchered her question and answer sessions, I was certain that Ms. Oklahoma was going to be declared the winner and that Miss Michigan was going to place last. Given the outcome, I'm so glad I didn't put money on that prediction. Clearly I know nothing about pageants.

I was in a pageant. Twice. I placed in the Miss Buffalo teen pageant at the age of 13. I feel like I could have won it, but I --ahem-- screwed up my answer to my final question. NEVER BLAME THE TEACHERS when asked about improvements to education. Oops. I was 13, what the hell did I know? After placing, I was invited to go to Florida to compete in the regional competition. I went. As soon as I got there I knew that I did not fit in with these girls. They were, by the age of THIRTEEN, professional pageant goers. I remember mothers (or maybe their "handlers"?) following these girls down the hallway with aerosol cans of hairspray, touching up their already huge hair. I did not have huge hair. I felt small and unworthy. I had a really good interview in the Buffalo pageant, shucking and jiving with the judges - which is probably why I made it into the top 10 in the first place. I answered questions about how I wanted to change the world, what I wanted to do when I grew up, who I was, and who I could be. I was excited about my interview in Florida. Until I got there. Three judges sat across from me. All looked down their noses at me skeptically. They asked me questions like, "if you could be an animal what would you be?" and "if you could be a flower, what would you be?" I was crushed. My answers were equally shallow and meaningless. "A tiger? A rose?" I sighed. As I was dismissed from the "interview," I knew it was over before it even really got started.

In any event, this was the first time in history that I have watched more than a single consecutive minute of the Miss USA pageant. Easily thirty minutes of my life lost that I will never get back. I think I've had enough of Miss USA for quite some time, "Thank youuuuu."